I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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