As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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