I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
