I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
