I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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