6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I puked a lego.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize