OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize