I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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