He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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