So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
