it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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