Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I intend to get homeless drunk
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Randomize
