Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
