Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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