maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
