DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
