dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
