i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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