we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
