why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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