his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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