Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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