upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
