when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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