My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
