It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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