I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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