...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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