Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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