I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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