I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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