Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
