Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
