i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize