When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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