You're a womanizer and a bitch.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Barsexuality is the new black.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
