I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
40s are totally the cure
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
