I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
