You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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