he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
