I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
