Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
