good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
