Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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