My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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