No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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