everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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