and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You can't special order awesome
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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