I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
