"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
