My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
