If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
