the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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