Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
